


Afterlife - Memories of Haruki Yamamoto

by orphan_account



Category: Hyakujitsu no Bara | Maiden Rose
Genre: Captivity, Don't Read This, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Haruki can't do anything, Kafka's Metamorphosis, Kidnapping, Klaus lost his mind, M/M, Non-Consensual Voyeurism, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Rape, Taki is powerless, please
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-28
Updated: 2013-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-30 12:56:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14497446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Something broke that day.Something was lost and never returned....





	Afterlife - Memories of Haruki Yamamoto

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: What I wrote in the tags is 100% serious!  
> Do not read this story if you don't think you can handle it.
> 
> The only reason I wrote it to begin with, is that this is a weird, fucked up way of self-therapy. No more, no less.  
> (I'm okay, don't worry)
> 
> I do not condone any of the things done in this story!
> 
> I don't hope you enjoy this, if you read this...

It surely was a nice day in November. The cold had the decency not to crawl under people's coats and the sun did a good job at warming the earth that day. It felt warmer than it was, after all the golden hue of fall still held the vibrancy one usually associates with the late months of summer, instead of the sullen cold gray that fogs the memories of November.  
Maybe I felt that this particular November day was especially nice, just because I'd seen the sun rise on the battlefield.  
'Is it over?' I had foolishly asked, as the enemy retreated to lick their wounds.  
'No' had Taki-sama said in a voice that felt so soft on my ears, compared to the shrill whistling of missiles flying, of commands being yelled over yet another thundering impact that shook the earth upon which we sat.  
Far off in the scary distance the roar of a motorcycle drowned out the cries of the fallen.  
It was a night I'd never forget.  
When I had asked, if it was over, honestly... I was hoping that the waking nightmare of that night would never again show it's ugly face.  
That was, when I'd had no idea yet, what things war unveils among the people that I honored.  
A little over a week later Klaus-sama had knocked on my and my roommate's door in the cadet's dorms.  
Whispering he had asked me if I was up to be a hero; if I was up to help him save Taki.  
I said yes before I even realized that I should wonder just what we were saving him from; but Klaus-sama's urgency had me up on my feet within moments.  
'Call Taki from his room to where the tanks are on standby' Klaus-sama had said. I had opened my mouth to ask why, but he cut me off.   
'No time to explain, just trust me!'  
And so I did as he'd asked me to.  
Little could I have known, what I'd be helping him with.  
I found out when I woke up in the back of a jeep, feet and hands tied.  
'Why?! What in the name of the gods are you doing?! Where are you taking me?!'  
Klaus-sama shot me a glance over his shoulder.  
'Shut up, you'll wake Taki' was all he said to me. I frantically looked around and indeed, next to me, tied up as well lay Taki-sama. Only that he was blindfolded and gagged, his wrists and ankles tied together, so that he was curled up into a ball.  
'Check his breathing' Klaus-sama commanded.  
I looked at him in silent shock.  
'Do it!'  
I did.  
Taki-sama's breath sounded shaky but it was there. He was still fighting.  
That ended soon, though.  
I don't know how long it took us. All I remember is the feeling of hunger and thirst battling the constant fear of death in the strangest of ways.  
There was no fear of starvation, only the feeling of fruitless nausea. On the other hand though was the panic; fear for the life; fear to be killed in a horrible fashion.  
But I wasn't killed. Taki-sama never stopped breathing.  
Klaus-sama stopped the jeep one day and got out. He opened the door on my side and smiled weakly at me.  
'Sorry. The ride must have been bad. But it'll be all better now' he promised and undid my ties.  
'Stay with Taki for a bit. I'll be right back' he promised. I didn't dare to refuse. I nodded and crawled closer to Taki-sama.  
I don't remember how it went on from there.  
I woke to the smell of food though.  
'Good morning' Klaus-sama had said and ruffled my hair.  
I thought I'd gone insane.  
I lay on a bed, wrapped nicely in a warm blanket. Next to me lay Taki-sama, wrapped up just as carefully, with one detail though that assured me that it wasn't me who'd gone insane.  
Taki-sama's left foot was cuffed, with a slender chain attached to the ring. That chain, I later found out was secured around the bed post. Seeing as this bed was one of those old, heavy wooden constructions, it would have taken at least three men of Klaus-sama's built to lift it up.  
'He's fine' Klaus-sama promised and sat on the bed, resting the bowl he was holding on his leg, to reach out to Taki-sama with his free left hand.  
I watched in disbelief, as he gently ran his fingers through Taki-sama's hair.  
'Ah, this. Eat. It's rice with vegetables and cod' he said to me and handed me the bowl.  
I stared at it.  
'Eat, Haruki' Klaus-sama said. Hesitantly I grabbed the spoon and took a bite.  
Oh, gods... It was amazing. Klaus-sama told me to eat slowly, to drink in between bites and gave me a cup with something warm. Tea, I think it was.  
While I ate, Klaus-sama shifted on the bed, moving closer to Taki-sama. I thought he was going to... I don't know what I thought.  
Kill him, wake him... But not kiss him.  
But he did.  
He pressed his lips against Taki-sama's and held his face with one hand. I blushed, ashamed of what I saw. Nevertheless I couldn't tear my eyes from the scene in front of me. Klaus-sama rubbed small circles into Taki-sama's cheek as he kissed him deeper.   
I jumped when I heard Taki-sama moan into the kiss. Just seconds later he opened his eyes; his hands flew up in shock and he tried to push Klaus-sama away.  
I didn't move; didn't even breathe.  
'Shhh, Taki. It's me. You're safe. We're all safe. It's all okay now' Klaus-sama soothed, cradling Taki-sama's face. Taki-sama stared at him for a few moments, before he struggled again.  
I saw tears well up in Taki-sama's eyes. He opened his mouth in a voiceless attempt to protest.  
Klaus-sama held Taki-sama's hands and shook his head.  
'No, no, no, Taki. You need to calm down. We're safe' he said and put his arms around Taki-sama to help him sit up.  
'I have food ready for you' Klaus-sama told Taki-sama.   
I watched them. I'd never seen anyone dare to handle Taki-sama with such... force.  
Whenever Taki-sama tried to resist one huge hand would hold him down.  
Taki-sama had always been a strong person. Rumors were spread that he'd twice won against Klaus-sama in sword fights.  
I believed these rumors.  
I knew Klaus-sama was physically stronger than Taki-sama; his sheer size was enough to make Taki-sama look tiny, but his small size was what made Taki-sama so agile.  
Now though, where speed and agility don't make any difference I should have known, that Taki-sama had no chance of escaping.  
Still, it was quite the wakeup call to see Taki-sama so utterly powerless.  
Klaus-sama reached out towards the nightstand upon which stood another bowl.  
He took it and held it out to Taki-sama.  
'Here, eat' he said, and when Taki-sama made no move to take the food he smirked, 'If you don't eat on your own, I'll feed you like I did at Luckenwalde'  
These words startled Taki-sama into obeying.  
I remember wondering, just what secrets my commander held.  
'Why are you crying, Taki?' Klaus-sama asked and held Taki-sama tighter.  
Taki-sama cast his teary gaze out the window.  
'This is not my sky' he said. Thoughts started running wild in my mind. We were not in our country anymore!  
We had to get back!  
'Dies ist unser Himmel, Taki' Klaus-sama said. Taki-sama told me later what he'd meant by that.  
In that moment though, Taki-sama's tears spilled.  
He stopped eating and covered his face with his hands.  
Klaus-sama held him quietly. He turned his eyes to me.  
'Eat, Haruki' he said again, not minding at all apparently, that I'd seen him kiss and hold Taki-sama.  
Taki-sama cried for a long time, clearly shocked by this situation. He'd passed out, crying himself to sleep. Klaus-sama laid him down to rest and left, once I'd eaten up to take away the bowl.  
I stared at Taki-sama. He was all I had now. The only promise of security I could hold on to lay in his hands. I believed, that if there was any human who could bring us home, it would have been him.  
But I should learn the truth soon.  
He opened his eyes around dawn. For a few seconds he seemed disoriented. Then his eyes found me next to him and despair flooded his eyes again.  
I tried to smile.  
'What should we do, Taki-sama?' I asked softly.  
He didn't answer.  
'We must go back!' I tried again, 'surely we- no, you can find a way. I'll do anything to help!'  
I know now that I'd been way too hopeful; that my naive words likely hurt him more than Klaus-sama's actions.  
'I'm sorry, Haruki' he said with pain in his voice.  
'No, it's my fault' I said, but he interrupted me.  
'We cannot go back'  
'But why not?'  
'The German words for sky and heaven are the same. He said, that this may not be our sky... But our heaven. We are dead, Haruki' he pressed his hands over his mouth and choked. I stated at him in shock.  
'That's not true, Taki-sama. We have to go back home!' I stuttered.  
'I cannot' he said. Thinking of his pained voice, as he said these words still sends a shiver down my spine.  
The way his voice had trembled, the tight feeling in my throat as I could almost feel the clutches strangling him as he spoke... it was a physically tangible pain.  
'If it had been someone other than him, I could have brought us home. But not when it's him' Taki-sama confessed. I stared.  
I didn't understand at all. What was he saying?!  
Over the years I learned.  
About Taki-sama's secrets; about the things that caused him pain; about the feelings he'd kept hidden.  
About the true self of my shinka, my commander.  
The fist and biggest revelation came on that same night.  
Klaus-sama had brought us dinner and ate with us.  
Taki-sama barely ate though. I had no appetite, but I couldn't ignore my grumbling stomach.  
Klaus-sama didn't seem too hungry either.  
It was utterly depressing.  
Taki-sama sat upright on the bed. I sat, slouched next to him.  
Klaus-sama left to take the plates away and I thought that would be it. I laid down, looking at Taki-sama, who stared at the end of the bed, at the chain that led to his foot under the blanket.  
Klaus-sama came back and locked the bedroom door behind himself.  
He took off his shirt and I looked away. Out from the corner of my eye I saw how Taki-sama shyly gazed at our captor. Suddenly he turned away as well and threw himself onto the mattress, turning his back to me and Klaus-sama.  
Klaus-sama climbed into the bed, over me and Taki-sama. He slid in under the blanket and put his arm around Taki-sama. The latter vehemently tried to push Klaus-sama away, to escape from his grasp, but Klaus-sama held him close to himself.  
I watched the scene, afraid of the man that I admired so much.  
He pushed Taki-sama down on the pillow and hovered above him, holding himself up with one arm, while his free hand came up to cradle Taki-sama's face.  
Taki-sama tried to turn away his face, but Klaus-sama wouldn't let him. He bent down and once again kissed Taki-sama. The hand which had held Taki-sama's face moved down along the tense muscles and tendons of Taki-sama's neck.  
I watched in shameful captivation. It's the morbid allure of the forbidden, of the sinful. A surge of horror rushed through my veins when I head Taki-sama whimper my name against Klaus-sama's lips.  
'Don't... K- kh... Kla- us... Haru... Haru- ki... is here...!' he tried to pull away, to make Klaus-sama stop, but to no avail.  
Klaus-sama grabbed Taki-sama's wrists and held them down above his head, despite Taki-sama's efforts to escape.  
'Klaus… please…' he whispered, throwing panicked glances over at me. It broke my heart more than I could ever put into words. I wanted to run away, but I knew, I wouldn't get far.  
Klaus-sama didn't listen to Taki-sama's protests. He didn't stop. He pulled away the blanket, that had covered Taki-sama's body and kept him warm. I looked away. I couldn't dare to look at the pure body of my commander, of my shinka. How could anyone dare… how could anyone ever think they had the right to touch this body…   
I thought I'd heard Klaus-sama chuckle, and for a second I was tempted to look again, but I thanked the gods, that I didn't, when I heard wet sounds. They were sounds that are made, when people eat in a sloppy manner.  
Right now, nobody was eating.  
Taki-sama's whimpers, his sobs… gods, he cried. He cried.  
He didn't beg Klaus-sama to stop; he didn't try to remind him of the indecency of this act. He just cried.  
I felt tears well up in my own eyes, and finally I turned back towards them.  
At first, I didn't understand. I only saw Taki-sama's pale face, flushed red and wet with tears. His usually stern and calm expression was contorted into one of pain and despair.  
Only when I looked at Klaus-sama, did I understand, what was happening. Or rather, no. I didn't understand. Not at that time.  
Klaus-sama's face was buried between Taki-sama's legs, his hands sprawled over his stomach and crotch.  
'Don't… Haruki… don't… l- look… please… '   
My eyes snapped back to Taki-sama's face.  
He looked at me for one second, before he turned away, trying to hide his face with his arms.  
I wanted to run away; I wanted to run home, no matter how long it would take me; I wanted to escape, no matter how.  
But I couldn't move.  
I was paralyzed.  
Klaus-sama lifted his head and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He crawled back on top of Taki-sama and licked his lips, as though he was looking at something delicious.  
'Relax now, Taki' he said.   
'no'  
'I don't want to hurt you. Come on, relax for me'  
'no… no… please… no… Klaus… please… no…'  
Taki-sama cried out for a second, before he bit his own wrist, writhing on the mattress.  
I didn't understand.   
I watched with a fascination that can only be revealed once the layers of human decency and shame are peeled away by unspeakable terror.   
I watched, as the thick flesh sank deeper into the pale body that I had thought was untouchable until that day… and deep within myself I realize – as I write these words – that I still think of it as untouchable even now; after having seen these things; after knowing that they are real.

Back then, what had shocked me more than most of the rest, wasn't the cruelty. It was the unchanged beauty of Taki-sama.

Even when it was over.  
When Taki-sama lay still, sleeping.  
He looked so pained; tears still wet on his cheeks; drying blood from when he bit his own wrist was still visible on his lips; he was still beautiful.

Taki-sama held this divine beauty, even years later. 

Even when he died.

After that first day and night, our life with Klaus-sama began to take shape.  
Every single day, Taki-sama was chained to the bed, unable to walk further than to the bathroom that was next to the bedroom.  
It was my job now, to take care of him, while Klaus-sama would work to pay for our living expenses.  
When I say it like this, it sounds almost peaceful and familial. Two people taking care of their comrade, who's unable to leave.  
Now that I think it through, I suppose I'm deluding myself. Denying the fear and despair that plagued both myself and Taki-sama almost every day.

That morning, the beginning of the second day, was…   
Klaus-sama got up first and woke me.  
'Haruki' he said while he got dressed, 'I will go to work now. I trust you to take care of Taki, while I'm away'  
I stared at him.  
It didn't click.  
Maybe it was, because the sun was casting a warm glow over him, that strangely reminded me of that morning after the battle.  
When he looked up at Taki-sama, still straddling his motorcycle. Makeshift bandage still on his arm after he'd gotten hurt protecting me.  
Maybe because of that, even after seeing this… other side of him the night before, I couldn't shake off the feelings of admiration and respect towards him.  
I didn't say anything, I just stared up at him.  
He sighed and left the room.  
'I'm locking the front door. I'll be back in the afternoon' he said as he walked down the stairs to the front door. I got up on my feet and ran.  
Maybe, maybe I could escape! He was going to leave, he was going to open the door for a moment. A childish naiveté, desperate hope and just panicked impulse took over my thoughts.  
He stood at the door, not opening it.  
'One great comrade you are. Go ahead, try to leave' he said and stepped away from the door, as though to let me pass.  
'Abandon your commander and try to save yourself in a foreign country. Nobody will understand you. Nobody will help you. The only one who could get you out of here is Taki or myself. Now choose'  
I froze.

From that day on, I understood, why he chained Taki-sama to the bed, but not me; why he trusted me to take care of Taki-sama. 

I went back upstairs and sat on the bed. I stared at Taki-sama's unmoving form, while I listened to Klaus-sama's heavy footsteps, the clicking of the lock.  
When Taki-sama woke up, he looked even more lifeless than wen he'd been asleep.  
'Good morning, Taki-sama' I whispered, hoping to bring him back to some semblance of life. He slowly turned his head to look at me.  
'Where is he?' he asked.  
'K- Klaus-sama has gone to work. He… said he'd be back by afternoon. Until then… he… told me to take care… of you'   
Frozen tendrils found their way into my chest, choking me. They cruelly reminded me of my weakness, of my stupidity and cowardice.  
'I see. Forgive me. I'll be in your care then…' Taki-sama said. The way he spoke… his calm politeness… in my head, it formed a stark contrast to his cries, his moans from last night.  
It wasn't like I was intentionally pulling up those memories. They just came up whenever I looked at him.  
My inner eye would momentarily call up the memory of his contorted face in an attempt to somehow reconcile the two sides of him that I knew of him. The calm and collected, beautiful and kind commander; the man I admired ever since I'd first met him and was put under his care and command.  
And the powerless shell of that same man. A person that had his face, that had his voice, but was stripped of all the dignity and pride that had been a part of his entire self until then.  
What's worst though, was the air of familiarity, of routine and surrender, that he'd exuded on that night.

Over time, the sharp and distinct understanding would come to me, that that night hadn't been the first time. That Klaus-sama had held him in this manner even before that night.

Even now that I've left this life behind, I don't think of it as a horrible time.  
It wasn't easy.  
Many mornings I would be sitting on the bed, with a bowl of warm water and a cloth, cleaning off blood and semen from Taki-sama's body.  
Many mornings I would be sitting on the bed, while Taki-sama silently wept.  
Many mornings I would be watching Klaus-sama leave.  
Many mornings I would be climbing out of bed, without having slept at all.

Many nights I spent awake.  
Many nights I watched Klaus-sama and Taki-sama sleep.  
And some nights, when one of them wasn't able to sleep either, we would whisper to each other.  
It was one of those nights, when Klaus-sama revealed his true feelings to me.  
'Can't sleep?' he'd asked me, opening his golden eyes. They shone like embers in the pale moonlight.  
'No' I'd replied.  
'I see…' he'd sighed and pulled Taki-sama's sleeping body closer to his chest. I'd watched him caress Taki-sama's face with his fingertips.  
'I wonder if he hates me' Klaus-sama had murmured and for a moment I had been ready to say something like 'Of course he does!', but I didn't.  
 _If it had been someone other than him, I could have brought us home. But not when it's him_ , Taki-sama had said.  
'I… wonder' I'd finally managed to murmur. Klaus-sama looked at me.  
'Oh wow… I thought he'd tell you everyday how he's going to kill me once I make a mistake' he'd said and smiled. It hadn't been a happy smile.  
He'd hidden his face in Taki-sama's hair and inhaled, closing his eyes as though he was on the verge of tears.  
'May… I ask what it is, that you feel for Taki-sama?' I had whispered, half hoping that he wouldn't hear or pay attention.  
But he looked at me for a second and then looked at Taki-sama again.  
'I love him' he'd then whispered so softly, that I'd found it hard to understand. 'I desire him'

I wondered then, if Taki-sama had ever known about Klaus-sama's feelings.  
Sometimes I had the feeling that he clearly knew, that it was the reason why he surrendered to Klaus-sama's will so easily.  
Other times though, I wasn't so sure. Sometimes I had the feeling that he had no idea at all, that he'd merely obeyed out of fear.

Strangely, over the time that we've spent like that, I'd learned a lot of things.  
I learned some basic cooking. Enough to make a decent breakfast for Taki-sama and myself, once Klaus-sama was away at work.  
In the beginning I would often ask Taki-sama to explain a recipe to me, so I could prepare it. Later I found out that Klaus-sama had some cook books. I brought them to Taki-sama and asked him to read them to me, since they were written in German.

Those books weren't the only books that Taki-sama read to me.  
We'd lived like this for about two years when I took interest in one of Klaus-sama's books. I don't remember why it happened then of all times. After all, there was never much to do for me, so boredom wasn't uncommon for me.  
Often though, I wouldn't dare to touch Klaus-sama's things, afraid he might be angry at me if I did.  
That day however, I felt surprisingly brave.  
I was just staring at the bookshelf for a while, wondering what kind of books a person like Klaus-sama would own.  
I saw a slim book then with a title that I obviously couldn't read. What caught my interest though, was the little scarabaeus drawn next to the title. I pulled it out and looked at the cover. It showed that same bug.  
I thought it might have been a book about bugs and insects, but something about the black and white cover didn't feel like an educational book. So I opened it on a random page, and was greeted by text. This indeed wasn't a educational book, I thought to myself, otherwise it would have had informational illustrations and such.  
But why would one write a book about a bug?  
I took the book upstairs to Taki-sama. I knocked on the door, knowing that I wasn't interrupting him in anything anyways, since he had nothing to do.  
'Taki-sama, may I enter?' I asked.  
'Of course' Taki-sama said and actually opened the door for me. Despite being chained to the bed, Taki-sama often walked around during the day, as far as he could. Obviously he would wither away even more, if he'd be forced to only sit on the bed.  
He looked at me with a calm, well measured smile. A smile that I would get used to over time; a smile that was so distinctively a part of him. It was a smile, meant to calm, to assure.   
'Do you need anything?' he asked and sat on the bed, looking up at me. I held out the book.  
'I found this book… I thought it might be interesting' I said and let Taki-sama take the book from my hands. He looked at the title.  
'Die Verwandlung' he read out and opened the first page 'Claudia von Wolfstadt' he looked at me, smiling still, but this time it looked more pained than before.  
'This is his sister's book' he murmured and I felt myself go pale.  
'I probably shouldn't have…'  
'No, it's okay. Handle it carefully' Taki-sama assured me. He offered it back to me. I didn't move.  
'I… I can't read it' I admitted.  
Taki-sama smiled weakly.  
'Would you like me to read it to you?' he asked. I didn't answer.

Two years ago, I never would have dared to even think of Taki-sama reading a book to me. And now he offered it to me, like it was the most natural thing to do.  
Maybe right now, it really was just that. Natural.  
Still, it reminded me of my inadequacy. Of my lack in knowledge.  
Taki-sama had to be chained to the bed, because he would be able to escape otherwise. He'd be able to go and ask for help; he'd be able to help himself, not needing anyone to save him.  
And then there was me, who was glad if I could prepare something for breakfast and tend to Taki-sama's injuries if nothing else.  
Not waiting for my reply, Taki-sama opened the book and started reading.  
'When Gregor Samsa awoke from restless dreams one morning, he found himself transformed into a terrible… vermin' Taki-sama translated as he read. It sounded so effortless. He didn't even have to think about the words, he just knew them, and he just said them easily.  
I sat on the bed, my worries forgotten. A man was transformed into a vermin? A bug? It sounded so insane that I was strangely eager to learn more about the man.  
As though Taki-sama had heard my thoughts, he continued to read.

Hours later, we had finished reading the book. I'd gone downstairs to put it back, so Klaus-sama wouldn't get angry, my thoughts were still trying to coil around the story and it's characters, to understand what had happened.  
Somehow, even though this was just a story, nothing but a fantasy, I couldn't help but feel… something.  
Not only did I genuinely feel pity and empathy for Gregor, but I also admired his sister, who wasn't much older than me. In the later passages of the book though, she became more antagonistic to me.  
I wondered, just why I felt so strongly about it.

The lock clicked and the door was opened. Dripping wet from the rain Klaus-sama entered. I came to the entrance way, as I always did, over the past years.  
It had only been two years… it felt like it's been decades.  
'Can you bring me a towel, please? I'll start making dinner in a moment' Klaus-sama asked and smirked apologetically for some reason.  
I left to go upstairs, to the bathroom where the towels were being kept. Taki-sama sat on the bed now, legs under the blanket. He was waiting for Klaus-sama, I knew that.  
So I just went and got the towel and ran back downstairs to hand it to Klaus-sama.  
He took it, thanking me and began to dry his wet hair.  
After a while he gave the towel back to me, along with his shirt, which he took off so I could hang it up to let it dry. I didn't question it. I just took the wet fabric from him and went back upstairs.

Taki-sama looked up when I entered.  
'He got caught under the rain' he said, stating the obvious.  
'Yeah'  
'Could you ask him to make something warm? And bring a thicker blanket for the night…' Taki-sama asked, lowering his head as though he was surrendering to something, that only he understood.  
Or something that he was hiding from me.  
Maybe, I suddenly thought, that was why I felt so strongly about the book. Because Gregor reminded me of Taki-sama, in the way that he was held captive.  
But somehow that didn't feel right.

I went downstairs again and told Klaus-sama about Taki-sama's wishes.  
'In the trunk, that's behind the couch, there's a bunch of blankets. Take one of those' Klaus-sama said, never turning towards me, as he chopped up some vegetables.  
I did as he told me.

That night again, I slept on the right side of the bed, while Klaus-sama and Taki-sama occupied the left side.  
Taki-sama pressed his face into the pillow, clutching the bedsheets as tension ran through him time and time again. Klaus-sama was on top of him, grinding against him slowly.

In the past, on the first nights, when the shock had settled, I would escape. Sit in the corner of the room and try to ignore the sounds I was hearing.  
Only when I'd gotten sick did I somehow end up sleeping with them again.  
In fact, one night I'd fallen asleep on the cold floor – it had been winter then. Taki-sama had insisted that I sleep on the bed.  
He'd warmed me with his own body. Klaus-sama had allowed it.

Somehow, after I had recovered, I hadn't tried to escape their… closeness anymore. I just… took it as a part of the life I was living here.  
If I wanted to be warm, I had to stay.   
Taki-sama did try harder to fight back, but that was even harder to bear.  
To lay with them, as Klaus-sama did… painful things to Taki-sama was even worse than seeing Taki-sama give in.

This night again, I closed my eyes and ignored the monster. I forced myself not to listen to Taki-sama's whimpers and moans.  
I wasn't a part of this. 

That's when I realized.  
It wasn't Taki-sama, who Gregor Samsa reminded me of, but Klaus-sama. Klaus-sama was the monster.  
And Taki-sama? He was the sister, so to speak. He tried his best to accommodate the monster – that he held dear.  
Would the day come, when Taki-sama couldn't take it anymore and would try to get rid of the monster?  
Who was I?

I got so lost in my thoughts, staring at the ceiling, that I didn't even realize when Klaus-sama finally showed mercy on Taki-sama.  
'At least close your eyes, if you can't sleep' Klaus-sama said, startling me out of my thoughts.  
He raised an eyebrow when I threw him a panicked glance before remembering where I was and calming down.  
'I… I was thinking' I murmured and let my gaze wander over Taki-sama's body. His face was turned away from me, hidden against Klaus-sama's chest; on his pale, slender back were marks from bites and rough kisses.  
I swallowed and turned to lie on my stomach.  
'What were you thinking about?' Klaus-sama asked and pulled the blankets up, so they covered Taki-sama's shoulders.  
'About…' Gregor's transformation, I almost said, but stopped myself. Was it okay to tell Klaus-sama that I'd taken the book?  
'About a book' I said, not meeting Klaus-sama's eyes.  
'Did you read any of the books in the living room?' Klaus-sama asked, sounding surprised. There was no hint of anger in his voice.  
I had been careful with the book. Taki-sama had said that it's fine. I gathered my courage.  
'I… I didn't. Taki-sama read it to me' I confessed.  
'Ah, I see. Which book?' Klaus-sama asked, still no anger in his voice. I hoped he still wouldn't get angry if he knew, that it was one of his sister's books.  
'It's about… a man, who turns into an insect' I say, unsure how else to answer Klaus-sama's question, as I don't know how to say the title.  
'Ah, that one! My sister read it and gave it to me. She didn't really like it, but I sorta did, if I remember correctly' Klaus-sama said, smiling. I looked at him. There was no trace of the monster. Even the way that he held Taki-sama in his arms looked kind and gentle.  
The monster, I thought, wasn't so much a danger to Taki-sama, but to those, that would try to harm Taki-sama.  
Even though he himself had hurt him just moments ago. 

'What do you think about it?' Klaus-sama asked, when I said nothing.  
'Ah… I… I was thinking about the characters' I murmured.  
'Hm… if I remember it all right, I did like the sister a lot. At first, at least. Didn't she totally turn on the guy?' Klaus-sama said, not minding my silence at all.  
He's used to the silence, I thought to myself.  
'You mean Gregor?' I asked.  
'Yes! That was his name. Gregor…'  
'I…' I stopped. Klaus-sama liked the sister's character, when she'd been the one caring for Gregor. I can't help but smile, as things just seem to make such perfect sense in my mind.  
'What's so funny?' Klaus-sama asked, smile audible in his voice.  
I shake my head.  
'Just…' I don't know if I should really say this. Comparing Taki-sama to Gregor's sister. Or Klaus-sama to Gregor himself.  
'I really hated the father' I finally said.  
'Oh, yes, he was a total asshole' Klaus-sama immediately agreed, 'and the mother was just… useless. What kind of mother is that supposed to be?'  
I fell silent.  
In this setup, with Klaus-sama as the monster, Taki-sama as the sister… I was probably the useless mother. Even the weird sound of this constellation wasn't enough to brighten my mood now. I couldn't laugh at it.  
'Haruki?' Klaus-sama whispered.  
I hid my face against the bedsheets. I was going to cry.

A hand touched my shoulder, once the twitches and trembles of my sobs became stronger.  
Taki-sama said nothing, as he shifted closer to me and pulled me close.

It was a memory, that I wasn't sure had truly happened. The memory of that night was blurry with tears, bitter with despair and sadness, that I'd held suppressed within myself for a long time.

Now that I write this down, I only begin to truly realize, how much Taki-sama had held secret himself.  
And the same goes for Klaus-sama.  
Though I did learn a bit more about him…

After that night, Taki-sama had allowed me to just forget my weakness. He did nothing to redeem me, he did nothing to discipline me.  
He just asked if I had slept well and smiled at me, when I honestly told him, that I did.

During the day I sat on the bed, applying salve to the bite marks on Taki-sama's back that he couldn't reach himself.  
'Taki-sama', I murmured, not sure yet, where I was going with this.  
'Yes?'  
'Which one of them do you… feel the strongest for' I asked, 'from yesterday's book'  
Taki-sama turned his head slightly, so he could glance at me from the corner of his eye. He then lowered his head and seemed to think about it for a while.  
'Gregor'

'Why?'  
I asked hoarsely, only then realizing that my throat had gone dry.  
It just… seemed to fit too perfectly.  
It all just seemed to make too much sense.  
Taki-sama remained silent for another moment. He finally turned around and looked at me then.  
'The… book – I think – isn't about a man, turning into a bug. I think it is about a man, whose secret was revealed. Something that his family thought of as repugnant and wrong'   
I nodded.  
I could only agree. It made sense to me.  
'I think… that deep within themselves, every person has their… vermin. Their secret. The one thing that they pray will never be revealed'  
And finally, it stopped making sense the way it had before.  
'And the reactions of his family members, I think, mirror their own secret, their own vermin' he continued, 'While the sister at first shows empathy, for she's young and doesn't yet feel as oppressed by everyone's expectations, later she grows up and begins to understand her responsibility and her role in the family. She can no longer hide behind her brother, who carried the family's pride on his shoulders in some way at least. She can't let her childish sympathy rule her emotions, when she has to take responsibility for the family's future now'

It would take me so long to really understand all Taki-sama had said. To really understand it with my mind and heart; not only in words.

In a way, I learned, that what I had thought at first – my simple assumption – wasn't entirely wrong. I just hadn't gotten to the bottom of it all.  
And as I said, it would take me quite a while to get there.

When I did get there, or at least I think I got there, it hit me hard.

It didn't take me nearly as long, to find and understand my own vermin.

In fact, about six or seven years into my life with Klaus-sama and Taki-sama, it showed it's ugly face, and Klaus-sama of all people was the one to recognize it.

And probably, it was similar to the one, that plagued Taki-sama throughout his life.

I began to understand Klaus-sama's power over Taki-sama and myself better.  
Klaus-sama's vermin… the reason why I felt like he was so similar to Gregor… he hadn't really tried to hide it. He let Taki-sama see who he was.  
And Taki-sama was like the little sister.

If I truly were honest, I'd write about the other times that I cried too.  
Honestly, I cried way too much.  
If I dared to compare myself to Taki-sama, I'd have to say, that I truly was a wuss. Even though Taki-sama shed tears almost every night, he was strong still.  
He was strong for me, I know.  
He was strong for Klaus-sama too, I know.  
As I learned over the years, Taki-sama deeply cared for Klaus-sama, in spite of all the horrible things he did.  
And as strange as it may sound, I know now, that Klaus-sama hurt too. I could tell, in those few moments, when I'd dare to look at Klaus-sama's face, when he was hurting Taki-sama, that he himself was hurting too.  
And certainly Taki-sama knew this even better than me, knew just how much pain Klaus-sama was in, so he bit back his pained cries and tried to comfort Klaus-sama in whatever way he could.

On one of those nights, when Taki-sama hid his face against the pillow, clinging to the sheets with both hands, trying to suppress his voice, Klaus-sama turned towards me, as I guiltily glanced at them.  
The golden gleam of Klaus-sama's eyes had caught my eye when he turned towards me… and my heart stopped.  
It was so… viscerally scary, when he looked at me.  
I felt like I was going to be punished for a grave crime, like I had finally been exposed for all the mistakes I'd made throughout my life. I stopped breathing.  
I was shaking all over my body. My skin was crawling, my face felt hot, my legs numb.

Klaus-sama smirked.

'Grown up now, huh', he said and turned back to look at Taki-sama's slender back.  
At first I didn't understand. I only understood when I tried to turn my back on them, when I moved my legs.  
I was… I had… my body had… reacted.

After I realized, it was impossible to ignore it.

The forceful rhythm which I could feel through the mattress, the wet sounds, the labored breathing, subdued moans, skin smacking against skin… every sound clawed it's way into my ears, into my chest, into my stomach, into my groin…   
Shamefully I try to cover myself, to suppress, to hold it down…   
'Turn over, Taki'  
I freeze again.  
'Come on, Taki. Turn over, come…' I feel the mattress dip, I hear fabric rustle. I hear skin touching skin.  
'There… relax, Taki'

The rhythm was different this time. Stronger, faster, harder… oh gods above… forgive me…   
Taki-sama's voice was louder now that he couldn't bite on the pillow to muffle his moans. I could hear the impact of Klaus-sama's thrusts in Taki-sama's voice.  
'Let out your voice, Taki. It's not like you'll wake him when he's awake anyways', Klaus-sama urged, sounding breathless as he interrupted himself between words to thrust even stronger.  
'Ah! Ah! Ah… ah…' Taki-sama's voice came out louder as Klaus-sama's thrusts grew stronger. 

Shouldn't it hurt? Shouldn't Taki-sama weep in pain by now? Please… this once, cry! Please, don't enjoy this. I beg you, remind me of the cruelty, remind me of the depravity, please, Taki-sama, PLEASE!

When I dared to look, all I saw… was … wrong.  
So utter and completely wrong… 

Taki-sama clutched Klaus-sama's shoulders, face wet with tears and sweat. His legs were spread so far… his skin was flushed red… all wet.  
And Klaus-sama's thrusts just… they were too easy, too smooth… I was terrified to find that I didn't need to feel it for myself to understand the feeling.   
I desperately clutched the fabric of my underpants, to try and suppress the sensation that crept up my spine.

'Give in, Taki… come… on… now… come…!' Klaus-sama's voice sounded clear in my ears, even though he pressed his lips against Taki-sama's neck as he spoke. He kissed Taki-sama's exposed throat and his jaw and his lips, oh how he kisses him… 

Suddenly – or maybe it wasn't actually sudden – Taki-sama broke the kiss and cried out.  
It almost sounded like a pained scream, but it wasn't.

'Like that… yes, Taki… oh fuck...'

I escaped and locked myself in the bathroom.

For days I couldn't look Taki-sama in the eyes. I know he avoided my eyes just as much as I avoided his.  
That morning I didn't help him clean up.  
I practically ran away again, sitting in the living room until I remembered my job here. I was supposed to care for Taki-sama.  
But how could I… ?

That night tore the faint layers of skin away that had formed across the scars of the very first night. The trauma of that memory was too… strong; too painful.  
I couldn't do a thing.  
I didn't eat, and neither did Taki-sama. I don't know if he actually cleaned himself up, if he got up that day, if he moved at all.  
I was never near him.

Only when Klaus-sama came back, did I remember again.  
I got up from the corner of the living-room in which I had been sitting and went to the front door as always.  
Klaus-sama greeted me, like nothing was wrong and started to work on our dinner.  
No, actually, something was different.  
He didn't smile at me like he usually did. He smirked.

'How is Taki?', Klaus-sama asked, as I lingered in the kitchen.  
I felt myself grow pale.

'I… I don't… know'

'Keep an eye on this, okay? When it starts to boil, take the spoon and stir it, I'll be right back', Klaus-sama said, apparently not even angry at me, for ignoring my job.  
The one thing he entrusted me with.  
Care for Taki-sama.

I stirred the broth Klaus-sama was preparing when it boiled. He came back down and smiled contently.  
'Tired, he says… well I guess I didn't let him sleep much, last night'  
Cold as ice, the feeling settled in my gut, that he'd been doing this on purpose. 

'Hey, it's normal', Klaus-sama said though, patting my back.  
When I looked up at him, he smiled at me; a gentle and forgiving, understanding smile.  
'Really, it is. Thats how people, how men work. Taki is no different. For the most part at least', Klaus-sama explains, taking the spoon from me to stir the broth some more, before taking a sip to taste.  
'You'll learn, Haruki. Don't worry'

Today I think, I don't care.  
I shouldn't have cared, when Klaus-sama got to me, to my conscience and told me to be a good comrade, to stay with Taki-sama.  
I shouldn't have stayed.  
I should have ran away.  
I really should have.

Dying on the streets of a foreign country would have been better.

But I couldn't have known. Never. Never.  
I couldn't have.  
Ever.

Fingers digging into the back of my neck.  
Trembling, warm, soft skin under my lips.   
My hands, sweaty, clutching the sheets.  
Cries.  
Screams.  
Tears.  
Wet with tears.

It was thrilling.

To see the red marks of my lips, of my teeth on the white skin beneath me.  
Klaus-sama's hand held my head down above Taki-sama's chest. 'Lick', he had said, 'be good, Haruki. Be good for him'  
I couldn't run. I couldn't refuse.  
So I swallowed the lump in my throat, licked my dry lips before following the pressure of Klaus-sama's hand on the back of my head.  
I licked Taki-sama's chest.

Underneath the salty taste of human skin I believe I sensed a sweetness.  
I wasn't prepared for that.

I never would have been.

But when Taki-sama stopped breathing, and I felt the tension in his chest, I couldn’t help myself. I felt a rush of possessiveness and dominance flow through my body, knowing that it was me who caused him to react.  
Klaus-sama’s hand slowly slid from the back of my head down to my loins, where he pressed me down onto Taki-sama’s waist. I felt Taki-sama’s body, his member beneath my own. He emanated dry heat, like a flame on a hot summer day.  
The kind of heat you both recoil from, and seek at the same time.  
He trembled beneath me when I ran my teeth across his skin, licking the slight curve of his pectoral muscles.  
‘Isn’t that nice, Taki… Let out your voice’, Klaus-sama ordered, pushing himself deeper into the gap between Taki-sama’s spread legs.  
‘N-no… Klaus… please, Klaus…’ Taki-sama wept, body tensing up more until his back arched off the mattress.  
‘Be good Taki, or I’ll have him fuck you while you suck me’

Silence.

‘You wouldn’t do that. I know you wouldn’t, Klaus. You wouldn’t’, Taki-sama whimpered then, his voice barely audible, his words barely discernible through his trembling.  
For a while, Taki-sama’s whispers were the only thing breaking the heavy silence, as Klaus-sama considered his words.  
I wouldn’t dare to speak at all, waiting for either of them to make a move.  
Then, after what felt like an eternity, Klaus-sama pushed me off to the side, leaning down to claim Taki-sama’s mouth in a painful kiss.

I watched them fight… Taki-sama resisting and struggling as much as he could, trying to kick, punch or throw off Klaus-sama, but it didn’t seem to make a difference.  
Klaus-sama held him down with enough force to leave bruises on Taki-sama’s body, and I worried that he might shatter him in his grasp.

When they broke apart, Klaus-sama continued to kiss and bite at Taki-sama’s skin, while repeating the same words over and over.  
‘You are mine. You are mine. Mine. Mine alone. Forever. You are mine…’

When Klaus-sama entered Taki-sama, he seemed to have entirely forgotten about me. About everything and anything that wasn’t Taki-sama. And in a way, he may have even forgot about Taki-sama himself.

Taki-sama continued to cry, screaming even… 

‘You are hurting me, Klaus. Please stop, it hurts. I’m yours, please stop hurting me… Klaus, please… forgive me! I’m yours…’

Taki-sama’s voice would nevermore leave my thoughts.  
At all times I would hear the echo of his cries and screams from that night.

Even now that he passed away, even now that I am safe… even now, I hear him cry and scream.

And a part of me wonders if he’s still here somewhere, in a different realm of afterlife, where Klaus-sama continues to hurt him.

* * *

Haruki Yamamoto had been found and saved weeks after first Taki Reizen, and days later Klaus von Wolfstadt died. Taki Reizen died from unknown causes. An infection is the most likely cause, but it wasn’t possible to confirm, as Klaus von Wolfstadt seems to have hidden his body, so that nobody else may ever find him.  
Klaus von Wolfstadt himself, after Taki Reizen’s death, abandoned Haruki Yamamoto as he slept and never returned. Most people assume he took his own life to join his beloved in death.

Haruki Yamamoto had waited for Klaus von Wolfstadt to return, but when he didn’t, and the food he had left behind was gone, he left the house he had been kept in all this time.  
He collapsed on the street and was brought to a hospital, where a nurse happened to speak his language.

After a month of treatment he was brought back to his homeland. His family looked after him and a counselor was hired to help him, but it seemed the young man never quite came back to his senses, unable to open up about the events that haunted him.

He wrote Afterlife as a confession, a farewell letter and an apology for all the things he couldn’t do.


End file.
